Category Archives: Happiness

Wobbles

January 31, 2018 emmaoconnor

Anxiety is a bitch

A sneaky little bitch

(excuse my language there)

Today after well… years we had a wobble.
I always refused to believe that ‘anxiety is forever’ and ‘all’ we could do was ‘learn to live with or manage it’… I still believe this, BUT, it takes a decision, and effort, and today it sneaked back in.

Why?
Well, Daniel has had a week off school with a chest infection. A normal childhood illness equalled a change in routine, a week away from friends, and a week away from school. Add the worry he had about being ill, and viola!
Anxiety
Honestly, we’ve probably dropped the ball a bit. Everyone has been unwell in the last 2 weeks, I’ve been stressed and overworked, and it’s January… And we haven’t been doing our ‘Everyday Happy’ homework.

What did we do?
Talked
We started by calling it out. Anxiety is sneaky. It can look like other things, like a tummy ache, or a headache, but if you don’t call it out, it wins. Naming it, and accepting it allowed him to move on and take effective steps to overcome it.

Move
We marched up and down the hallway. The fight or flight response is the body’s ancient response to real or perceived danger. It instantly releases a mass of cortisol and adrenaline around the body, stress hormones that cause increased heart rate and hyperventilation. All good if you’re running from a tiger, not so good when you’re in the house… Queue marching. Physical activity of any kind burns off the hormones and helps to calm down.

Distraction
Talking nonsense. We got talking about the end of the day, and I suggested catching up with friends. This allowed his brain to think passed what he was anxious about. Then we added some jokes and some decent preteen sarcasm.

Gratitude
Framing the day in a positive way. Today we just had a chat about gratitude (rather than writing anything) His first one…”I haven’t vomited yet” I was also grateful for! I can’t remember the other things we said, friends I think, probably food… it doesn’t matter though, the effect was positive.

Keep moving forward
One step at a time toward the goal, with very clear instructions. His anxious brain struggles with logical thought, so ‘get ready for school’ is too big… ‘put your socks on’ works better.

Forgive, apologise and move on.
The heightened emotional state that came with an early morning anxiety attack, and a stressed out dad, can and did lead to cross words and bad feelings. This added fuel to the anxiety, and needed quelled quickly. All it took was an apology and a hug before any of us walked out the door grumpy.
This one is hard. As adults we’re not accustomed to apologising to our kids, but it’s so important. Daniel’s anxious brain will circle what went wrong and highlight it, but the apology helps it to let go. Apologising to our kids has bigger implications too, like showing them kindness and courtesy, allowing them to see that we’re human and make mistakes, and offers them the opportunity to learn this behaviour through modelling.

I think today was a blip. I hope so anyway, but it has made me realise how well equipped we are as a family with the tools to get through. If it happens again we’re ready. We also need to keep being grateful, being kind, and doing some happiness homework everyday.

It’s so important to have tools, and to have a team to help.

So on reflection, today I’m deeply grateful for my family who is my team.

If you need some Everyday Happy look no further…

Everyday Happy, Happiness, Inspiration

On a personal note…

October 31, 2017 emmaoconnor

I’ve experienced it before… the nameless entity which would leave me breathless and nauseous after nursery drop off, fretting following conversations with friends and drained after social occasions. Before this, I had a brief and intense dance with postnatal depression, and before that years of feeling, well, not quite right. Always nameless, always there, and never explained… Anxiety.

It was only when my eldest son developed debilitating anxiety at 9 years old, that I finally named it, squared up to it and took it on.

His experience motivated me to DO something, ANYTHING to help him… And what began as a trip through the murky depths of ‘what went wrong’, and ‘what did I do?’ soon became a journey into his, and my happiness.

I came across ‘happiness’ as a tool for a better life when someone suggested I watch ‘The Happy Secret to Better Work’, a Ted Talk by Shawn Achor. (Definitely worth a watch.) In it Shawn talks about 5 scientifically proven ways we can consciously improve our performance at work through increased happiness. Gratitude, kindness, meditation, exercise, and writing a journal about your daily good, can raise your happiness ‘set point’ and lead to improvements across different aspects of life!

This caught my attention. Although not specifically about anxiety, the concept gave us a new direction… Rather than being bogged down in what went wrong, we started to focus on what was going right. Instead of only learning to manage the symptoms of anxiety, (important, but not the only work to do) we saw a bigger picture. We essentially turned our back on anxiety, and through diligence and working together, focused on happiness, and have barely looked back.

Almost 3 years on, it feels like ancient history.

Our journey to happiness went a bit like this…

The very first thing we noticed was a restored sense of empowerment, the feeling we could help him, and more importantly, that he could help himself. We began with gratitude, and looking at the positives each day. Initially this acted as a distraction, and helped to nip full on anxiety attacks in the bud. It also gave him a focus at bedtime, and helped him settle on difficult nights. Acting in kindness towards his brother, friends, neighbours, and his parents really helped him to not think about his worries as much, and gave him a sense of pride. We meditated in the mornings, went walking on the beach, and looked at homemade flash cards at bedtime each night. We tried anything we could to raise his happiness, and gradually we saw our little boy come back.

Personally, this journey found me crying, laughing, despairing, and jumping for joy. It has been my biggest challenge personally, and our biggest as a family. The fact we stood next to each other and did it together (this wasn’t always easy), means we have ended up closer as a family on the other side. Our silver lining!

I wrote Everyday Happy as my way of giving back, and helping those who may be travelling down the same road. It is a practical tool… a call to action… with the aim to empower people to lift themselves (and help their children) out of anxiety.

My mission? To change the world, one smile at a time.

I originally wrote this post for Edinburgh Gossip Girls online Magazine here!

Happiness

Don’t Wait! do it Now…

November 17, 2016 emmaoconnor

Even just a little bit… Today… Now… Do SOMETHING to lead you towards your goal, your happiness, your version of your best life.
Get Up
Move
Turn your music up
Dance
Sing
Read
Talk
Create
SOMETHING
Go On…I dare you…
Here’s the thing. Waiting is a bad habit. Waiting for the ‘right time’, waiting for the ‘right person’ waiting for the ‘right thing’ to happen.

Waiting until you feel better before you take action towards happiness? Waiting to feel less tired before starting to excercise? It doesn’t make any sense! Because taking action will help you feel better. Because exercise will make you less tired.
Because Life is happening Now.
Let’s get on with it.

‘FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY’

Susan Jeffers

Happiness

Why Choose Happiness?

August 22, 2016 emmaoconnor

Realising we had to decide on happiness was a light bulb moment for me. Prior to that I had been completely bogged down in ‘what went wrong?’ and ‘who had caused this?’… And my greatest fear… Was it ‘ALL my fault?’ Exhausting.

Choosing Happiness gave us a light, something to work towards (instead of running from), and certainly helped me feel more ‘in control’ of our situation.

Choosing Happiness is not about running rings around your child and giving them everything they want just to try and ‘keep’ them happy… This is a very short term solution (we tried it!) Choosing Happiness IS about learning (and teaching) some very simple skills, and practicing them. Choosing happiness is taking responsibility for your thoughts and feelings and deciding how you are going to think, feel and act when things don’t go to plan. It is enjoying each moment the best you can, and also keeping your eye firmly fixed on your goal. Sounds difficult for most adults! (This is where “Everyday Happy: a journal for happiness” will come in very handy.)

Six reasons to choose Happiness:

1 Happiness can lead to greater resilience for you and your child

2 Happiness can increase creativity

3 Happiness can improve health

4 Happiness can lead to better friendships

5 Happiness can improve career and financial prospects

6 Happiness creates greater intelligence and productivity

We choose happiness (or not) everyday through our daily thoughts, feelings and actions.

What are you going to decide today?

Education, Happiness, Support

Managing School Anxiety

March 28, 2016 emmaoconnor 2 Comments

Managing School Anxiety

Advice for Parents and Carers…

At least that’s what the peice of paper calls itself… And I can’t see too much wrong with some of the information presented… NOW… After we’ve come out the other side of the dark tunnel…

But here’s the thing…

It’s makes it all seem so… straightforward… so black and white… and straightforward anxiety is not.

The more I read it, the more furious and frustrated I become. Now, after 18 months of work, trials, tears and recently wins, (and a lot of learning) we do a lot of what this ‘advice’ says. But if I had received it in the beginning, I can imagine I would have felt (more) overwhelmed, and wondered why it wasn’t so easy for us…! Why can’t I put a simple morning routine in place, and the anxiety will be gone? And he’ll just, you know, go to school? My son spent half of that 18 months (almost a full academic year) off school… A decision which this paper inherently disagrees with.

So here’s what I inherently disagree with.

Take suggestion no. 1 ‘Maintain good communication and work with the school to put in place strategies that will help your child manage full attendance and address any concerns’.

But what if the school is the problem? What if (as in our case) the teacher is a bully? What if the children are bullies? What if the school won’t hear your concerns? What if your child really is anxious BECAUSE of school? There is a presumption here that the child’s anxiety is unfounded, and that the attendance (the holy grail) is the most important thing? And the strategies?.. What Strategies….? Give me some to use!!

Suggestion 4 Clear messages about school attendance- Everyone has had a different experience of school themselves, some good, some bad. It is important that all those supporting think about the way they speak about school. The key message is that school is not optional and attending is in every Childs best interests’.

Talk about strong, confident (threatening) language! Phew. ‘Best interests’ is an interesting term here. Again, what if school actually isn’t in their best interests? Attendance cannot be the measure of success here. If your child attends under duress and finds themselves crying or vomiting throughout the day, how are they going to learn? And what are they going to learn? To me, all they will learn is they can’t trust anyone, not the school, not their parents… That they have to do what they’re told, regardless of how they feel! Is this teaching them to be confident, well adjusted adults? I don’t think so. It is a recipe for disaster.

Admittedly there are points that are positive and helpful… Not just for anxiety mind. Helping them break down tasks into smaller more manageable peices, rewards for facing fears, and encouraging independence, problem solving and persistence are all great parenting and life strategies. The term, ‘you can lead a horse to water’ does come to mind though.

So after the 12 ‘suggestions’ to get your child to attend school, we move on to a very brief look at anxiety itself… It’s a normal, sometimes helpful aspect of life and (here’s the bit that made me laugh) ‘we all need to develop ways of coping with these feeling…’ What ways? Here lies the core of what this paper is missing. How to handle the feelings of anxiety… How to teach your child how to handle them…

What do you do when your child is frozen and can’t walk another step forward…? Or when they are begging you in tears not to attend school (or any other activity for that matter)? All the ‘suggestions’ anybody gave you, go right out the window.

When it comes to addressing the things that could actually be going wrong at school they call it ‘Identifying any issues that might be barriers to attending school’…. Hmmmm not the issues that may be causing the anxiety.

And then it finishes with the type of messages we give must give our anxious children through our language. The use of clear, strong, consistent language that expects compliance. Showing a united front…. Against who!!?

And lastly the obligatory ‘get yourself some support’ section. This is probably the most important thing they say. ‘A supportive adult to share your concerns with’ I would take further to include someone who has been through it… Someone who knows how you feel, and can totally empathise without judgement. (And once you’ve been through it and come out the other side, you can help someone too!)

So how did we do it? Well after the initial freaking out, we got as much help as possible, (attended every class, read every book, watched YouTube and talked to people) and then took the information and made decisions that felt right for us and our child. We put him, his wellbeing and his happiness first. We removed him from the stressor (school) and gave him time to learn techniques, to build his resilience and to understand himself. We stood united as a family with him and against the anxiety, which built a deep level of trust. I kept thinking, what if he’d broken his leg? He would have had emergency care, recovery, rehabilitation, and only then been asked to run. Asking my child to go to a school he was frightened of, was like asking him to run on a broken leg. It just didn’t make sense. I also thought what if you take school out, and a child becomes anxious due to abuse or an accident. They are not going to be sent back into the situation that caused it, to help them recover… It’s counterintuitive! So why do we do it with school?

So if you are on this harrowing journey, be confident that you can do it! Empower yourself with as much information as possible, accept all the help that comes your way, and then follow your instincts… Make decisions based on your family’s needs, listen to yourself and listen to your child!

Happiness, Support

Easy Ways to Foster Everyday Happiness in Your Child

November 26, 2015 emmaoconnor 1 Comment

It is very easy to take happiness for granted… especially in our children. (Isn’t it an innate quality…?)

The song lyrics ‘you don’t know what you’ve got till its gone’ ring very true when your child becomes anxious and you experience their happiness disappearing… and once it’s gone, you find yourself wondering how anything else was ever important. (I did)

We modern parents seem to spend much time running from club to party, music lesson to sports event, trying to give our kids the very best life we can (keep them happy)… and in between times buy the latest tech, clothes or kit so they can keep up with their friends (further keeping them happy). Although there is absoutely nothing wrong with any of this, long term happiness is not to be found in the latest purchase or party. Happiness is a choice, or at least a combination of the actions, thoughts and feelings we (and our kids) choose to have and do everyday. Happiness is a habit we can learn to do, and something we can teach our children.

So whether you have an anxious or depressed child, or have just decided to prioritise happiness in your family, here’s some easy ways to foster happiness in your home.

Celebrate the small stuff. When they’re little we celebrate EVERYTHING with them, eating, sleeping, walking, even going to the toilet… then ‘when they get old enough’ we stop. I’m not saying to have a party everytime someone goes to the toilet… but noticing and acknowledging when things have gone right is a really good start. If your child is anxious this becomes more important as they have a tendency to notice the negatives. Acknowledging the positives helps them log a ‘bank’ of evidence, which they can use think their way logically out of anxious moments. (Remember when you did this…? You know you can do this… You’ve done it before)
Talk about good news. This also helps them start to view the world through a positive lens. I ask “tell me some good news about today” (which is occasionally met with ‘nothing good happened’…) but is usually a good starting point for appreciating good and improving the mood in the house.
Laugh together. Tell silly jokes, watch comedy on TV, read funny books and comics together, or make up your own silly stories. The folks over at Helpguide.org say, aside from making you all happier, laughing together can bring you closer as a family by increasing feelings of intimacy. Laughter also has the ability to ‘strengthen your immune system, boost your energy, diminish pain and protect you from stress’. (Helpguide.org)
Go outside and play, preferably in a natural environment. Exercise releases endorphins, which naturally improves the mood, can divert our attention from negative thoughts, and give us a feeling of overall accomplishment. (Pursuit-of-happiness.org) Combine this with the rejuvenating and relaxing effect simply being in nature can have, and a trip outdoors for a game is well worth it.
Teach/ learn practical skills. Activities like cooking, gardening, building, fixing their bike and even washing their own clothes will help your child build self esteem, give them a sense of purpose and help them explore their strengths. The sky is the limit here, you could even learn a new skill together.
Make exciting plans together. Participate in dreaming. What do you want to be, do or have when you grow up? Who do you want to be? Who do you want to meet? Where do you want to go on holidays? You could even make a scrapbook together.
Make your measure of success their effort. Christine Carter author of Raising Happiness says praising children in a ‘growth mind set’ way or ‘attributing their success to things such as effort, commitment, resourcefulness, hard work and practice’ helps children ‘grow succeed , and be happy’.
Practice gratitude together. Talking about what you are grateful for helps you both view the world in a positive way, and appreciate what you have instead of worrying about what you lack. Be specific and creative, appreciating the big and small things, the experiences you’ve had and the people you know. (Shawn Achor)
Play music and dance. New research suggests that listening to music we love actually causes the release of dopamine, a feel good chemical, causing us to… Um… Feel good. (Discover.news.com) This combined with the beneficial effects of exercise (see number 4) and the feelings of intimacy formed from doing something fun together are a great recipe for a happy day.
Encourage, participate in, and demonstrate strong friendships. In her article ‘Friendship: The key to happiness’ Patty O’Grady says our true friendships, those based on ‘trust, honesty and empathy’, are mutually beneficial, and allow us to share ourselves without fear or judgement. (Psychologytoday.com) Friendships help us feel more optimistic, connected and worthwhile, and the bonus is , happiness is contagious, so sharing in a friend’s happiness can increase our own happiness, and vice versa!
Use Happiness Flash Cards. Research suggests ‘once we anticipate a specific outcome will occur, our subsequent thoughts and behaviors will actually help to bring that outcome to fruition’ (psychologicalscience.org) In other words, the deliberate use of positive suggestion, can influence expectations and behaviour, and bring about a positive change. We use them at bedtime .

So there it is! Even if you pick one thing from this list… Or use it to inspire your own list of happiness habits, then my work for today is done.
Have a happy day!