Category Archives: Support

Staying happy on social media

Social media can be a very happy place to visit. Chatting with your friends, checking out each other’s photos and playing games are fun things to do. Unfortunately, it can become a negative space too, so with the aim of focusing on happiness, here are some tips on how to stay happy on social media:

1. Positive posting. Share posts that are fun, funny, happy and light. This will help you, and your friends will enjoy it too.
2. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything. Avoid gossip, complaining and criticising, and try not to get involved in negative conversations.
3. Keep your fights offline. If you are arguing with someone, it’s best to do it in person, as it’s very easy to mistake someone’s tone in a typed message.
4. Have family members and close friends (people that really care for you) as your social media friends.
5. Take a break. Don’t spend all your time online; enjoy the moment you’re in with the people you’re with, in person!
6. Don’t take it personally. Other people’s lives can look extremely interesting on social media, but that’s because they only post the most interesting bits. Everyone’s lives look more interesting online.


Don’t forget: You control it (not the other way around), so if things go really wrong just don’t log in! You can even cancel your account.

Ecxerpt from “Everyday Happy, A Journal for Happiness”

Managing School Anxiety

Managing School Anxiety

Advice for Parents and Carers…

At least that’s what the peice of paper calls itself… And I can’t see too much wrong with some of the information presented… NOW… After we’ve come out the other side of the dark tunnel…

But here’s the thing…

It’s makes it all seem so… straightforward… so black and white… and straightforward anxiety is not.

The more I read it, the more furious and frustrated I become. Now, after 18 months of work, trials, tears and recently wins, (and a lot of learning) we do a lot of what this ‘advice’ says. But if I had received it in the beginning, I can imagine I would have felt (more) overwhelmed, and wondered why it wasn’t so easy for us…! Why can’t I put a simple morning routine in place, and the anxiety will be gone? And he’ll just, you know, go to school? My son spent half of that 18 months (almost a full academic year) off school… A decision which this paper inherently disagrees with.

So here’s  what I inherently disagree with.

Take suggestion no. 1 ‘Maintain good communication and work with the school to put in place strategies that will help your child manage full attendance and address any concerns’.

But what if the school is the problem? What if (as in our case) the teacher is a bully? What if the children are bullies?  What if the school won’t hear your concerns? What if your child really is anxious BECAUSE of school?  There is a presumption here that the child’s anxiety is unfounded, and that the attendance (the holy grail) is the most important thing? And the strategies?.. What Strategies….? Give me some to use!!

Suggestion  4 Clear messages about school attendance- Everyone has had a different experience of school themselves, some good, some bad. It is important that all those supporting think about the way they speak about school. The key message is that school is not optional and attending is in every Childs best interests’.

Talk about strong, confident (threatening) language! Phew. ‘Best interests’ is an interesting term here.  Again, what if school actually isn’t in their best interests?  Attendance cannot be the measure of success here. If your child attends under duress and finds themselves crying or vomiting throughout the day, how are they going to learn? And what are they going to learn?  To me, all they will learn is they can’t trust anyone, not the school, not their parents… That they have to do what they’re told, regardless of how they feel! Is this teaching them to be confident, well adjusted adults? I don’t think so. It is a recipe for disaster.

Admittedly there are points that are positive and helpful… Not just for anxiety mind. Helping them break down tasks into smaller more manageable peices, rewards for facing fears,  and encouraging independence, problem solving and persistence are all great parenting and life strategies. The term, ‘you can lead a horse to water’ does come to mind though.

So after the 12 ‘suggestions’ to get your child to attend school, we move on to a very brief look at anxiety itself… It’s a normal, sometimes helpful aspect of life and (here’s the bit that made me laugh) ‘we all need to develop ways of coping with these feeling…’ What ways? Here lies the core of what this paper is missing. How to handle the feelings of anxiety… How to teach your child how to handle them…

What do you do when your child is frozen and can’t walk another step forward…? Or when they are begging you in tears not to attend school (or any other activity for that matter)? All the ‘suggestions’ anybody gave you, go right out the window.

When it comes to addressing the things that could actually be going wrong at school they call it ‘Identifying any issues that might be barriers to attending school’….  Hmmmm not the issues that may be causing the anxiety.

And then it finishes with the type of messages we give must give our anxious children through our language. The use of clear, strong, consistent language that expects compliance. Showing a united front…. Against who!!?

And lastly the obligatory ‘get yourself some support’ section. This is probably the most important thing they say.  ‘A supportive adult to share your concerns with’ I would take further to include someone who has been through it… Someone who knows how you feel, and can totally empathise without judgement. (And once you’ve been through it and come out the other side, you can help someone too!)

So how did we do it? Well after the initial freaking out, we got as much help as possible, (attended every class, read every book, watched YouTube and talked to people) and then took the information and made decisions that felt right for us and our child. We put him, his wellbeing and his happiness first. We removed him from the stressor (school) and gave him time to learn techniques, to build his resilience and to understand himself.  We stood united as a family with him and against the anxiety, which built a deep level of trust. I kept thinking, what if he’d broken his leg? He would have had emergency care, recovery, rehabilitation, and only then been asked to run. Asking my child to go to a school he was frightened of, was like asking him to run on a broken leg.  It just didn’t make sense. I also thought what if you take school out, and a child becomes anxious due to abuse or an accident. They are not going to be sent back into the situation that caused it, to help them recover…  It’s counterintuitive! So why do we do it with school?

So if you are on this harrowing journey, be confident that you can do it! Empower yourself with as much information as possible, accept all the help that comes your way, and then follow your instincts… Make decisions based on your family’s needs, listen to yourself and listen to your child!

Dear Friend…

Dear Friend,
I thought it might be helpful if I wrote about some of the things we do at home to help our Son in his recovery from anxiety.
I understand what you’re going through, and just how helpless you can feel, but you can turn it around, and find happiness together.
I’m a big believer that if you focus on happiness, everything else will work itself out. When I really started to put D’s wellbeing and happiness first, everything started to get better. (Don’t worry it’s not about giving them everything they want and letting them run rings around you… Tried that and it didn’t work… It’s about teaching them how to make the decision, and take action to be happy themselves.)

You may never know what caused the anxiety… And it isn’t really important, as the process of trying to find out can be awful, and will potentially have no impact on their recovery. Trying to find the cause was a huge source of guilt for me, and resulted in us spending night after night in serious conversation, giving all our focused attention to the anxiety. In hindsight this was not a good idea, anxiety had all the power, and D got 100% focused attention for being anxious… So of course being anxious was paying off… And his brother noticed too. We absolutely had to stop talking about it that way. When we stopped trying to figure it out, things started to move forward. We set a goal together (to be happy going to school) and tried to stay focused on that.

We started to talk about the anxiety as separate from Him. When he is anxious, and trying to stop on the way to school I say “I’m not stopping for anxiety’. I also say things like ‘don’t let anxiety win this round’, ‘I’m angry with the anxiety’ and ‘anxiety isn’t welcome here’. It takes away any feeling of personal attack he might feel when I do get angry or upset. It also helps me to not take his anxious behaviour too personally.
‘It’s just the anxiety tricking you into feeling this way’ helps when he’s feeling stressed and starts saying he’s feeling sick, or has a sore tummy.

Learning that anxiety is a normal physiological ‘fight or flight’ response, which is just happening at inappropriate times, has helped us understand what is going on, on a physical level. In that moment they have huge amounts of adrenalin running through their bodies making their hearts beat faster, making them dizzy and giving them a sore tummy. (Their bodies are getting ready to run from, or fight a perceived danger.) These feelings are very real… irrational, but real. Sitting or standing with them and breathing together (5 seconds in 5 seconds out) until that adrenalin has calmed down, can help them move through that moment of ‘fight or flight’.

Triggers are different from the cause. Learning the triggers and taking action to help your little one move through them with minimal fuss can be very helpful. Distraction works really well for us. Changing the subject… Quite literally talking nonsense about anything we can think of, as positively as we can works wonders. Doing something like reading a funny comic, telling jokes, squeezing a stress ball, spraying essential oils and splashing cold water on the face also work for us as forms of distraction and can help prevent a full on anxiety attack. Getting outdoors can prevent an anxiety attack by having a calming effect on the mind, as well as helping burn the excess adrenalin during or after one.

When he’s not in a freeze or panic I use other types of tools to help him. Flash cards at bedtime with our positive outcomes (things we want to happen)  have worked for us. Just before sleep the brain is apparently very susceptible to suggestion, so I harness this by suggesting “I am happy”, ‘”I am safe”, “I am confident”, “School is great”. We also have fun dancing, telling jokes and watching  comedy together.

Because school was a huge trigger for our son we reward school attendance. I have 2 jars of activities my boys can pick from at the end of each week of full attendance. One jar has free or cheap activities for every week and one has more expensive outings for once a month. We usually reward with experiences, activities and time together rather than toys… Although the odd toy works very well too!

We have also started talking about gratitude, and try to remember something good about his day together. I do this with both the boys everyday… ‘Tell me some good news about today’… can be the beginning of a fantastic positive conversation, and helps them both focus more on what they have, rather thank what they lack. (And occasionally it’s also a non starter… You just have to roll with it)

I haven’t tried this with my son yet, but have spent years doing it for myself,  and it just may work for your child. If you have a camera or phone with a camera, suggest taking some photos of beautiful things. This literally focuses the brain on what is good and right and beautiful, and helps them to start seeing themselves and their lives in a more positive light.

Finally I would say, to just ‘be there’, listen to them, and make sure that your child knows, despite your own frustration, anger and dare I say it anxiety, that their behaviour is ok and you accept and love them completely…

And, hold your nerve…

I hope this finds you well on on the path to Happiness.
Love Emxx

Easy Ways to Foster Everyday Happiness in Your Child

It is very easy to take happiness for granted… especially in our children. (Isn’t it an innate quality…?)

The song lyrics ‘you don’t know what you’ve got till its gone’ ring very true when your child becomes anxious and you experience their happiness disappearing… and once  it’s gone, you find yourself wondering how anything else was ever important. (I did)

We modern parents seem to spend much time running from club to party, music lesson to sports event, trying to give our kids the very best life we can (keep them happy)… and in between times buy the latest tech, clothes or kit so they can keep up with their friends (further keeping them happy). Although there is absoutely nothing wrong with any of this, long term happiness is not to be found in the latest purchase or party. Happiness is a choice, or at least a combination of the actions, thoughts and feelings we (and our kids) choose to have and do everyday. Happiness is a habit we can learn to do, and something we can teach our children.

So whether you have an anxious or depressed child, or have just decided to prioritise happiness in your family, here’s some easy ways to foster happiness in your home.

  1. Celebrate the small stuff. When they’re little we celebrate EVERYTHING with them, eating, sleeping, walking, even going to the toilet… then ‘when they get old enough’ we stop. I’m not saying to have a party everytime someone goes to the toilet… but noticing and acknowledging when things have gone right is a really good start. If your child is anxious this becomes more important as they have a tendency to notice the negatives. Acknowledging the positives helps them  log a ‘bank’ of evidence, which they can use think their way logically out of anxious moments. (Remember when you did this…? You know you can do this… You’ve done it before)
  2. Talk about good news. This also helps them start to view the world through a positive lens. I ask “tell me some good news about today” (which is occasionally met with ‘nothing good happened’…) but is usually a good starting point for appreciating good and improving the mood in the house.
  3. Laugh together. Tell silly jokes, watch comedy on TV, read funny books and comics together, or make up your own silly stories. The folks over at say, aside from making you all happier, laughing together can bring you closer as a family by increasing feelings of intimacy. Laughter also has the ability to ‘strengthen your immune system, boost your energy, diminish pain and protect you from stress’. (
  4. Go outside and play, preferably in a natural environment. Exercise releases endorphins,  which naturally improves the mood, can divert our attention from negative thoughts, and give us a feeling of overall accomplishment. ( Combine this with the rejuvenating and relaxing effect simply being in nature can have,  and a trip outdoors for a game is well worth it.
  5. Teach/ learn  practical skills.  Activities like cooking, gardening, building, fixing their bike and even washing their own clothes will help your child build self esteem, give them a sense of purpose and help them explore their strengths. The sky is the limit here, you could even learn a new skill together.
  6. Make exciting plans together. Participate in dreaming. What do you want to be,  do or have when you grow up? Who do you want to be? Who do you want to meet? Where do you want to go on holidays? You could even make a scrapbook together.
  7. Make your measure of success their effort. Christine Carter author of Raising Happiness says praising children in a ‘growth mind set’ way  or  ‘attributing their success to things such as effort, commitment, resourcefulness,  hard work and practice’ helps children ‘grow succeed , and be happy’.
  8. Practice gratitude together. Talking about what you are grateful for helps you both view the world in a positive way, and appreciate what you have instead of worrying about what you lack. Be specific and creative, appreciating the big and small things, the experiences you’ve had and the people you know. (Shawn Achor)
  9. Play music and dance. New research suggests that listening to music we love actually causes the release of dopamine, a feel good chemical, causing us to… Um… Feel good. ( This combined with the beneficial effects of exercise (see number 4) and the feelings of intimacy formed from doing something fun together are a great recipe for a happy day.
  10. Encourage, participate in, and demonstrate strong friendships. In her article ‘Friendship: The key to happiness’ Patty O’Grady says our true friendships, those based on ‘trust, honesty and empathy’, are mutually beneficial, and allow us to share ourselves without fear or judgement. ( Friendships help us feel more optimistic, connected and worthwhile, and the bonus is , happiness is contagious, so sharing in a friend’s happiness can increase our own happiness, and vice versa!
  11. Use  Happiness Flash Cards. Research suggests ‘once we anticipate a specific outcome will occur, our subsequent thoughts and behaviors will actually help to bring that outcome to fruition’ ( In other words, the deliberate use of positive suggestion, can influence expectations and behaviour, and bring about a positive change. We use them at bedtime .

So there it is! Even if you pick one thing from this list… Or use it to inspire your own list of happiness habits, then my work for today is done.
Have a happy day!